i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
A friend helps you before you need it
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*