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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Social distancing in Australia:
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*