My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“i miss shittin on people”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
How to make infinite energy.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.