Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Anime is real
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
She: I like Cats
He:
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*