Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My favorite farside!!
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow