[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun