Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
You Might Also Like
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys