How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
who named him groot and not spruce lee
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.