I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.