My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
pep talk
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
sensitive skin
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.