whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.