A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
me irl
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…