Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
🤣
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
#Caturday
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.