Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…