I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This week’s mood.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.