I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
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Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!