People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*