Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Okay
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too