The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
You Might Also Like
Based Erika
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Friday night party time 🥳
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes