I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I just tested negative for patience.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.