britain’s three elite institutions
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I cannot call her anything else now
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?