I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.