my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
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Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
lol
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.