I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.