I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Liquor Store Parking
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
good work, everybody
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler