HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…