When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
You Might Also Like
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
english majors be like furthermore
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.