Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Monica just destroyed the internet
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink