the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.