Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
You Might Also Like
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Sorry. Not sorry
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.