70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”