Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.