Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
*serious situation*
My brain:
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
ok like just. call me at this point
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
tourist season
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.