Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.