Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency