I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
constantly working on myself.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby