They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*pronounces woah like Noah*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I can also cook 😂
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Danger is very dangerous
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.