My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I love it all
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.