It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
A classic…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac