Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.