911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
True
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens