Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
cause of death:
autopsy.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
We have a winner.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.