I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy