[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda