My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.