My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
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GF:
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GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.