*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
You Might Also Like
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
When you don’t understand how floors work
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
This is me
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“i miss shittin on people”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: