Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t