Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.