I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board